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Last JokesA reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must be something, knowing that you put the Bush legacy back into the oval office." "Thanks to Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the office." Bush's Winning Campaign Slogans 1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show! 2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 3. Ill finish what Bill started -- the interns. 4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right? 5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP. 6. I promise no sex scandal -- just look at me! 7. New penal plan: I won't use mine! 8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks. 9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers. 10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, ''Aren't you Moses?'' The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!" - Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State... -The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart -As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person -Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy -Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action -We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced -He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink -She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker -It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice -Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving -This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block -He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y -They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin -Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told -As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart -You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing George Dubya on a Sinking Ship George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation. George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard. Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air." Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"? When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said. Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know." St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?" Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in." Top 10 Things You Don't Want Dubya to Say 10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha! 9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers. 8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law? 7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause. 6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother. 5) And my wife is really my mother. 4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!! 3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud? 2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha! 1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat." The second boy said, "I want a truck." And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them." Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?" A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, "Republicans." The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!" A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?" George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying,'Hello, Steve'." Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve." What's the difference between a blonde and the internet? Not everyone's been on the internet! How do you know a blonde's having a bad day? Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. What is a blonde's idea of safe sex? Locking the car door. Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." |