1 Bush and Clinton and Bush

A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must be something, knowing that you put the Bush legacy back into the oval office." "Thanks to Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the office."

2 Bush's Winning Campaign Slogans

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show! 2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 3. Ill finish what Bill started -- the interns. 4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right? 5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP. 6. I promise no sex scandal -- just look at me! 7. New penal plan: I won't use mine! 8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks. 9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers. 10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense

3 George W. and Moses

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, ''Aren't you Moses?'' The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"

4 Texas Talkin'

- Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State... -The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart -As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person -Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy -Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action -We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced -He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink -She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker -It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice -Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving -This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block -He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y -They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin -Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told -As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart -You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

5 George Dubya on a Sinking Ship

George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation.

6 Bush & the Blackboard

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard. Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air." Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"?

7 Bush, Einstein and Picasso

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said. Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know." St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?" Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

8 Top 10 Things You Don't Want Dubya to Say

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha! 9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers. 8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law? 7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause. 6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother. 5) And my wife is really my mother. 4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!! 3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud? 2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha! 1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

9 George W. Drowning

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat." The second boy said, "I want a truck." And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them." Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?"

10 Bush's Morning Run

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, "Republicans." The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!" A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

11 Bush's Favor

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying,'Hello, Steve'." Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."

12 Pulling His Cheney

George W. Bush ran into Colin Powell`s office exclaiming, "Dick Cheney hanged himself in his bathroom!" Colin Powell says "Oh, No! Did you cut him down?" "Cut him down?" asks George W. "How could I cut him down? He wasn`t dead yet!"

13 Clinton, Bush, and Washington...

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic. As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!'' George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!'' And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

14 Bush and Cheney Lunch

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having. Bush says, "I'll have a quickie." The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!" She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

15 Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie. The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. "Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

16 Dubya Quotes

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ...Governor George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...Governor George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...Governor George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." ...Governor George W. Bush to reporters "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." ...Governor George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...Governor George W. Bush "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." ...George W. Bush "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." ...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...Governor George W. Bush "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...Governor George W. Bush